Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
