it hurts more in the daytime
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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