Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
