We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
