Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
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Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
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I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice