You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
