Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
