Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
