i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
