You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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