you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
