there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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