U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dicks are not precious.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize