Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize