wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
