You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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