Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
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There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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