So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
