ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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