my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch