I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?