Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.