My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
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My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
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We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.