I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
