we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
