i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
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We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
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Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing