is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god