wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...