I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
