You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
