My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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