I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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