You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
