The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
the night ended with taco bell and tears
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You pole danced in your parka.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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