I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm bleeding and have questions
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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