you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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