The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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