My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
