My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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