So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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