I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
