i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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