Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
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Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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