Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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