I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
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Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
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The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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