I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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