I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
