I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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