Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize