I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
this hospital has no fireball
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
