New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
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Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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