I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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