i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This is the high leading the old right now
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize