4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
