Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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